Long time no see...

So...it has been quite a while since I have blogged. Mea Culpa. There is no excuse.

Let me gear up for more regular posts. Let me talk about a few things...Mani/Pedi's and Patty's.

So'z yesterday I decided was a "me" day. Started off with 6 loads of laundry...been a while for that too! After 4 hours of wash, rinse and repeat I was finally done and STARVING. I thought I'd hit my favorite Brekky spot - The Pine Inn on Polk. Ok, the only reason they are my favorite is because they have hash browns and not under-cooked, paprika colored potatoes and that they serve biscuits and gravy. They do a pretty good waffle too...not one of those Belgian-y air puffs but a real, thin and crispy, nooky and cranny-y honest to god waffle. I normally get bacon...but wanted the other morning favorite - sausage. I love sausage in all forms but I adore sausage patties. I ordered my B & G with hash browns and two eggs, over easy and a sausage patty. "What?', Nancy asked. 'You know, a patty of sausage', I furthered. "Oh, we don't have that." OH NOES! That one refusal led me on a quest for Sausage Patties. I called 15 Breakfast Joints and found only one that served a Patty...but it was a VEGGIE sausage patty! WTF! That is why I implore you to write your local congressman and help me get the return of that perfectly golden brown, greasy patty of porky goodness back on our plates!

Undaunted by my patty-less breakfast I set out to my bi-monthly ablution; my Mani/Pedi. Yes, I get a mani/pedi every 2 weeks. EVERY man should. People hate ugly hands and nails...but moreover EVERYONE hates ugly feet. My usual place was closed for vacation so I decided to try one on Polk and Pacific...Union Nalis.

Well, I guess I was either the first man to ever ask for a mani/pedi there or the biggest man they have ever seen. I am leaning towards the former. This is a big place. 7 Pedi spas and each one had a Mani stand right next to it. All Full. They asked me to sit. I did and instantly 4 of them rose and huddled in a corner occasionally looking back at me. I swear to god they were drawing straws to see who got me. Ho won. She looked thrilled. A seat came up and I was escorted to it...Ho took my crocs and sox off and had me soak my sooties in they most perfect temperatured water.

As I was getting clipped, Ho was having a bit of a time with one of my Big Toes. She literally had to use two hands on the clippers to liberate the little bugger. Finally it hacked through and went sailing...I shit you not, SAILING through the air and landed in the hair of a woman 3 seats away! Ho looked at me...I looked at her, we both nodded in silence and she went about filing the offending toe. I have to say there were some amazingly beautiful women in there...who instantly took a liking to me. One even struck up a convo with me. We chatted back and forth for a while and I swear she even did the "twirling the hair" thing. She then uttered the words that instantly caused shrinkage - "so does your boyfriend get mani/pedi's too?" I laughed and said "no, I am actually straight." Now, the appropriate response from her would have been "really?" or "sorry" but no she said "oh, my bad...you just looked so gay." Needless to say...I was not inclined to continue our chat. She was done, got up and went to pay. I finished my session and went to pay my bill - $26.00 and come to find out she had paid my tab AND left her number. What a day! I might call.

Tis the Season...

Well, it’s that time of year again when thoughts of credit limits, bargains and “do they really need that?’ fill our minds.

I have said it many times...and I’ll probably say it again...I really don’t like the holidays.

It’s not that I hate Christmas, I just despise all the trappings that come with it. I am disgusted that I saw Christmas Crap being put up before Halloween. Don’t get me wrong...I love the business that is Christmas. One of the busiest times of the year for me...and I was lucky to land a couple of really cool gigs that make it all the more lucrative.

I long for the days when all I wanted was a Big Wheel with PowerSlide Brake and a Stretch Armstrong. When we’d all pile into the car and head to Grandma’s uncomfortably hot house to spend EXACTLY 48 hours with family. Those days are long gone, as is most of the family.

For the last 10 years my Yule Tide traditions have been quite despotic. Christmas Eve I dress as Santa and head to my favorite embibery. I sit on a stool and drink Jameson’s all the while spreading Christmas Cheer, one shot at a time. Then it’s off to home...just in time for TNT’s 24 hour marathon of ”A Christmas Story”. For seven of those years I had Shemp...my faithful if not somewhat “special” sidekick. He too, is gone.

I know full well that this is supposed to be a religious holiday celebrating the birth of “What’s His Name”, but it was never that for me...even growing up. Now, as I have no interest in ANY organized religion it is even less of a Religious Fete but more of a “how many nuts can this squirrel stow away for the coming months?”

For some reason, I always end up getting dreadfully sick during this time too. As I sit here I am in a glorious NyQuil induced moment of clarity. Waxing poetic. STOP!

Anyway, on to business...

I am doing a “Family Friendly” Magic Show with some dear friends. We are running from December 26 - January 3. It is going to be a blast. I am pushing myself to create new routines and ditch my handy dandy bag of tricks. I do hope you gentle readers find the time to come see it...and me.

Here’s some info: www.magicinsanfrancisco.com

With my shameless whoring done it is now time for me to wish you and yours the best of Holiday Seasons. Really, I mean it!

When Traveling Abroad...or even as a Man! - Finale

Well, ok...so my blogging skills were not quite up to par to take on a daily update of my activities in Scotland. So here’s a recap of my trip:

Holy CRAP! I love Scotland! First, they will fry anything and they do! Second, Whiskey is cheaper than beer...need I say more? Being the gastronomic daredevil that I am, I took it upon myself to try everything so that you, my discerning public, would be able to share in my successes and failures. Below is a brief list of the highlights and lowlights of my epicurean adventure.

Fish & Chips None better!
Deep Fried Cheeseburger Watch out Whopper!
Deep Fried Pizza Goat Hill has NOTHING to worry about!
Deep Fried Mars Bar& I imagine if you could fry Jesus, he would taste EXACTLY like this
Tattie Dog Hot Dog wrapped in mashed potatoes then deep fried
Haggis Vegetarian is way better than you would think
Scotch Breakfast(My way) One ice cube
Scotch Breakfast(their way) A plate full of salty meats - manna from heaven
Scones Bring me the head of James Beard
Monster Mash They serve bangers and mash from around the globe
Two Thin Laddies Food to die for, staff to lose ones heart to
Piemaker The only place to buy meat pies
Chinese Food Um...no, stick to salty meats
Well Hung Beef Totally as gay as it sounds, but they do meat right...so to speak
Cheese We Americans DO NOT know what cheese is

Ok...enough on the food.
(Sidenote - I actually lost 15 Lbs on this trip)

I have never worked so hard in my life! 8 to 12 shows a day, starting at 11am and ending usually somewhere around 3am. Street shows were mostly kick-ass, had some rain which dampened the spirits but not the fun. One of the best days was during a downpour many of the street performers and stewards were standing in the center of the Royal Mile when Pockets (of Pockets and Fox) busted out his Uke and played a blues riff and we all improv-ed the “Royal Mile, Rainy Day Blues”.

Met some really fantastic performers. James James, what can I say? He has weedled a place in my heart. Susie and Fergus...too god-damned cute for their own good. Pockets and Fox - Edinburgh’s answer to Wayne and Garth - Hard Rock on Ukulele’s. Elaine - the World’s most pierced person. Over 6000 on her body...but only 500 that you can see. Lili La Scala - Brings Diva-dom to a new level. Sophie, straitjackets have never looked so sexy! There are many more...but I could go on for days.

The Venue show - the reason I was there in the first place, was somewhat disappointing. For a show billed as Magic and Comedy, one would think there would be more than 15 minutes of magic in a one hour show; and that time was split between Big Al and myself.

Big Al and I, being who we are...were asked by the venue management to come back next year with our own show. We are seriously considering it.

Thanks to Kitten on the Keys, we were introduced to magician Paul Zenon who had his Marquee de Sideshow set up at the Spiegel Gardens. He took a shine to Big Al and me and asked us to perform in his shows - up to 6 nightly. He then created “The World’s Largest Magic Show in the World’s Smallest Spiegel Tent”, capitalizing on our sizes. We were the hit of the Garden. He also payed us a huge compliment - “ I hate magicians...but I love you guys”. I read minds and Big Al got naked and bobbed for condoms. We made an impression and helped Paul get his sideshow booked into the Melbourne and Montreal Festivals. Who knows, we may be joining him.

Scotland is a beautiful country with beautiful people and places. I am not one to take photos as I prefer to keep my memories mine. Next year, the camera will come out more - promise.

All in all, this was not a money-making venture...but one that is sure to be done again...and again...and again.

When Traveling Abroad...or even as a Man! - Part 1

Here it is...

When Traveling Abroad...or even as a Man!

Beginning Monday August 11, 2008 I will be Blogging/Vlogging from Edinburgh, Scotland and the Fringe Festival.

Check back daily to see what trouble I can get into.

This month's word...Serendipity!

ser·en·dip·i·ty

–noun
1. an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident.
2. good fortune; luck

Call it what you will...Serendipity...Kismet...Fate...Luck...Good Fortune...they all have roughly the same meaning.

That meaning has never been so evident to me than in the past few weeks.

(Cautionary Note - in the following lines I will wax poetic!)

As Bogie said, "...of all the gin joints in all the world..."

We all have our routines. Some of us get paid to put them on stage...some just muddle through them day in and day out just to someday achieve thier semblance of happiness. Of late, mine has been a combination of both. I love performing! I am an attention whore, I fully admit that. Any time I can get on a stage and find a vein to pump full of that syringe we call comedy...I am there! Unfortunately, not much has really inspired me to create new material. You know...the same shtick, different costume. One would say I had blinders on...as a matter of fact, one did.

Then came the Bawdy Island Beach Party, Wednesday, March 21, 2007 at the DNA Lounge.

I had all the highest hopes for the show. The rehearsal the night before even led me to beleive that it was going to be better than usual. The band sounded tight...the acts that rehearsed were hot, etc... I was going to debut a new act from a character created in the previous version of this show plus try something I had never attempted...Piracy!

Now, this is not a review of the show, but rather a recolletion of events that led to a very serendipitous moment. As a matter of fact, the show only went to further a case I pointed out in a previous blog...Burlesque is DEAD!

Timelapse sequence...boobs, boobs, boobs, fat man slapping his stomach, boobs...etc.

The show is over...I am spent! I head outside for a much needed smoke.

Standing alone, on the curb...over my right shoulder a voice says, "don't stand there and smoke alone...come smoke with me". I turn and see a woman leaning against the wall. Very independent, very inviting. I join her...we chit chat. She is from Utah. Mormon jokes come spewing from my mouth. She snaps back that she is on a mission here. She's got SASS! We return inside.

She asks me to dance.

Now, for those of you who truly know me know that I DO NOT DANCE!

I leap to the dance floor controlled by this muse from Utah. "Twirl me". I do. "Dip me". I do

Completely Captivated!

We danced all night until her date wanted to leave. Date? What date? Oh yeah, that guy. See, I had selfishly overlooked the fact that she was there with two other people. Oh, I made nice...bought drinks...allowed him to try his best to outdance me, but completely wrote him off as a nebbish. She asks me to take her number and call her the next day..."I am going back to Utah on Friday". SHIT!!!!

Ok...that is the evening in a nutshell. Two random people from totally diferent walks of life. One night. One show. One cigarette. One dance. Serendipity!

"....of all the gin joints in all the world..."

(By the way, I called the next day. We had the best First Date in the history of Dating!)

More to come...

Low Down on a Horrible Hoe Down

So I had a random, Mid-Afternoon gig today. I was hired to do a little magic at a company party in Richmond. Two hours...No Biggie!

It's a Cowboy themed, BBQ event. I show up...2:00pm and people are hammered...Budweiser mind you, but they are quite tipsy. Everyone is eating...frivolity is in the air. I start my shtick...hopping from group to group making my major modern miracles happen in the palms of the peoples wanting hands.

All is going so well, until...

The CEO walks up to the dais and taps the mic...then clears his throat. Visibly shaken, a tear rolls down his cheek. "You have all been Fantastic employees...that is why is kills me to say..."

The room is hushed....

"We are closing this Campus...you all have 24 hours to clear out your personal spaces and vacate the premises...severance checks will be handed to you when you exit the building."

I mean...it was just like in M*A*S*H*, when Radar came in to announce that "Lt. Colonel Henry Blake's plane was shot down over the Sea of Japan...there were no survivors".

Now...I have performed at thousands of events. I have NEVER had this happen.

To make matters worse...this happened at 3:00pm. I STILL HAD AN HOUR AND A HALF OF PERFORMING TO DO!!!

Needless to say, NO ONE was interested in seeing a Big, Fat Cowboy Magician pull a card from his crotch.

Unbelievable!!!